thetart

Having sold Mushy earlier on in the year after 11yrs ownership I made the dreadful mistake of buying a series 3 and calling it the Red Shed and it was!Although it looked good and when I had finished working on it it was running ok I just did not like it and I had no confidence in it after going out on two seperate occasions and returning on the back of a RAC wagon.Although I lost money on it when I sold it I was glad to cut my losses which goes against the grain for a Yorkshireman but she simply had to go.

Everyone should have some little adventures in life and my latest one started when I saw what I was looking for on ebay,unfortunately it was just over 250 miles away in Devon.I looked at what was to become my latest solihull product for the best part of a week,I phoned and emailed some questions to the owners Rod and Heather who answered as honestly as possible and sent me a few pictures of the chassis/bulk head etc,then with the help of my fellow Land Rover guru buddy Mark studied the pictures in great depth and decided to give it a go and with 30 seconds remaining pressed the bid button and immediately thought mmmmm should I have done that but it was too late then.

I arranged with Rod and Heather to go down to Trusham just outside of Newton Abbot the following Saturday after buying what is now known as The Tart because of its number plate and the fact that I was once married to one so I may as well drive one.Purely by coincidence on the Saturday I went to pick up The Tart one of my ex wives was getting married but she had obviously forgotten to send me my invitation,so no conflict of interests there then.

The day started at 5.00am to the sound of Max and Paddy's Road to Nowhere tune on my mobile phone rousing me at such an ungodly hour on my day off to start one of lifes mini adventures(it would have been better if I'd kept out of the pub the previous evening).I had packed a rucksack the night before and it resembled a Mary Poppins bag with the contents being a smallish box containing various hand tools including a hammer bits of wire and tape,an electrical test meter,a torch and multi tool,a tow rope,overcoat,hat,sandwiches,3 bottles of Pepsi,camera,spare baccy,toilet roll(you never know),map book,sat nav plus cigarette lighter socket with crocodile clip leads,pen and note book and lastly 2 May The Green Oval Be With You Tee shirts.

At 5.45am my taxi arrived driven by my brother in law John who had got up special to take me on the first leg of my journey to deepest darkest Devon.Arriving at Sheffield station I went to purchase my ticket I'd seen on the internet for £31 only to be asked for £104 to which the poor lady behind the counter got the Yorkshiremans war cry of HOW MUCH!!! It turned out that I should have bought the ticket on line before 6.00pm the previous evening to benefit from the cheap rate.After a bit of chuntering from myself the nice lady came up with a different route that only cost £76 so grudgingly I had to pay.

I had to wait an extra 10 minutes for my new train and the first stop was Birmingham New Street where,when I enquired where to go next,the nice lady at the kiosk told me I had to catch a bus to Cheltenham Spa to which I replied"but I've got a train ticket",nice lady"Yes sir I know,the train company pays for the bus because the trains can't run because of track works",me"Doh".It was over half an hour to wait for the bus but as I enquired with the man responsible for boarding passengers where to wait he managed to get me on a bus to Cheltenham Spa almost immediately.

The nice lady at Birmingham had given me a print out specially for dummies but being a bit of a dummy I still enquired at Cheltenham Spa where to go for my next train which was about a hours wait and the very nice lady at Cheltenham Spa checked her computer and put me straight on another bus this time to Gloucster where I was to catch the train to Plymouth stopping at Newton Abbot.

Arriving at Gloucster I again enquired where to go but missheard what the dragon said and when I asked her to repeat it she turned up the tannoy system so every one within 100ft could hear her telling me where to go in her most fed up and pissed off voice.As I got to platform 1 I barely had time for a cigarette before the Plymouth train departed and deposited me at Newton Abbot at 1.00pm,not bad timing to say I had to change train routes,only 15 minutes behind my original arrival time.

I was buying the Land Rover off of Rod Bailey but as he was working his very pretty and charming and(better stop Rod's a copper)lovely wife Heather kindly picked me up at the station(I knew I should have had a shave and put a clean shirt on!!)and whisked me off to the Bailey estate in the beautiful Devon countryside.On the way I was introduced to the rest of the cars occupants namely the Mother in Law,Derek who was introduced as a floozies toy boy and the very lovely 9 month old Robyn.

As we entered the drive to the Bailey mansion I was pleased to see the old girl looking very fine indeed coated in the same Dulux Buckingham green household gloss as Mushy Pea my old Land Rover.After a very welcome cup of tea and biscuits I checked her over(the Land Rover you sado's)and did the deal and insured her over the phone for the drive home.I would have liked to have seen Rod before I left but with over a hour to wait I really wanted to get some miles done so I said goodbye to Heather and the gang and as I drove out of the gate onto the road the Land Rover stalled and very nearly got wrote off by an oncoming car.

My first impression on actually driving the Land Rover on the road was something to the effect of what the bloody hell have I done coming all this way to buy an old Land Rover unseen and parting with £850 hard earned ackers but within the first mile as the engine warmed up and I got used to the gear change and the servo brakes I soon changed my mind and started to enjoy my mini adventure again.

Once on the M5 I made my first stop for fuel but only put £15 in the tank,and £10 in a jerry can that was in the back of The Tart, because I did not know the condition of the fuel tank.As I set off from that first fuel stop the sat nav lady told me to continue straight for 89 miles and it was only then that I realised just how far away from home I was and how old the Land Rover was but I had a current RAC card so no probs really.

With The Tart being a new motor to me I purposely kept the speed down to 40/45mph all the way home and with only 2 miles of that journey being off the motorway network it was a real pleasure but The Tart never missed a beat all the way and we did in fact get out of the slow lane on 2 ocassions to pass the same Pajero(admitedly it was towing another Pajero on a trailer but none the less we overtook it twice).

Remarkably and I still can't beleive it I only had to stop for fuel two more times at £15 each time before I reached the safe haven of God's own county Yorkshire and still with the 10 quids worth of juice in the jerry can,it worked out that The Tart was returning just over 24mpg which for a 38yr old 2.6 litre 6 pot Land Rover can't be bad.

Once The Tart was safely parked up on my drive I made a quick call to Rod to let him know we had made it then went straight to my local for a few well earned beers but after 4 pints in just over half a hour I had to admit defeat and retire home completely cream crackered wondering why I do such things at my age but completely satisfied with the days work.

If you noted my tavelling times you will have seen that it took me 7 1/4 hours to get to Devon and cost me £76 on the train and the return journey took 7 1/4 hours and cost me £45 so I can only assume that the engineers at Solihull all those years ago knew how to manufacture what is the finest piece of motoring kit on the roads today!!

You may be wondering why I took 2 May The Green Oval Be With You Tee shirts with me,these were for Rod and Heather who are now the leaders of the Devon chapter of May The Green Oval Be With You(a bit like the hells angel chapters but a little more sedate)and are now fully entitled to bore the pants off anybody who will listen to talk and drivel about LAND ROVERS.

Rising from my pit about 10.00am Sunday morning I checked The Tart over again and found a couple of faults that need seeing to sooner rather than later,one being a rear hub flange gasket and grease needs putting in the front swivels as the oil is leaking out,it will need a new exhaust in the near future but for £850 I think its not to bad but being a typical tight fisted Yorkshireman I might just have a little grumble.

As you can see in the above picture The Tart is parked on a slight slope and this is where I did the work,the Land Rover was in low range with the hand brake on but when I took out the last flange cover bolt the Land Rover started to roll forwards on a collision course with my car.After a couple of seconds wondering what was happening I suddenly realised what was happening,although I had put the gear box into low range the front hubs where in free wheel mode and as I released the last flange bolt this freed up all resistance through the diff and the Land Rover tried to make a break for it.Luckily I had used a spanner to crack the flange cover bolts but I was using a speed brace to get them out quick and the last bolt was still in its hole and as the hub rolled round I managed to relocate it in the threads and give it a couple of quick turns with the speed brace which halted The Tart's escape,I was wearing rubber surgical gloves to help keep my hands clean and as I gripped the speed brace and turned it the rubber gloves wound themselves round the handle and tightened up round my wrist trying to cut off circulation to my fingers.

With the hub gasket done I started to put one shot grease in the swivels,I did the near side first with no problems but when I tried to do the off side I couldn't get the wheel nuts off and as I was bouncing on the spanner to crack the nuts it decided to snap on the ring part,I ended up doing the job with the wheel still on and in the dark as night drew in.

The Tart has had her first green lane outing around a few local lanes and handled well although the tow ball and drop plate will have to be removed before any further trips as it acts like a plough over rough terrain.I also think that the gear box will have to be overhauled at some point as it is sticking in third and jumping out of second which is one of the most used gears when laning(Ah more joys to come!!).

After the first laning drive I checked the gear box oil level which is fine but whilst I was scrauming under the Land Rover I noticed that one of the U bolts holding the axle to the springs had come off(this probably accounts for the knocking noise it made going over some rough terrain)I think i'll buy a jeep!!!!

The Tart has had her first real laning expedition and it has gone quite well,along the way I had to take the fuel filter out as this was well and truly clogged up causing fuel starvation,the front apron cover just behind the bumper decided to part company from the Land Rover,the exhaust has blown another hole in itself and there is a slight smell of petrol from the back end which means the tank is going to have to come off and be repaired/replaced.

The Tart is about to face a 6 hundred mile treck from South Yorkshire to Colwyn Bay in North Wales and down through Wales to Port Talbot taking in 100 miles of green lanes on the way and then from Port Talbot back to South Yorkshire.This mini adventure is taking place over the May Day bank holiday weekend,I'll let you know how it goes!!!